All of America will no doubt "Get Schmucked" tonight

While we all eagerly anticipate getting "Smurf'd" audiences can appease their need to "Get Movie Title'd" this weekend by seeing the movie Dinner for Schmucks. According to the poster the movie has something to do with Steve Carell making a goofy face and Paul Rudd suffering from a tension headache. No doubt most Americans will already have attended midnight screenings of Cats & Dogs.


The other option would be to "Get Charlie St. Clouded" and go see Zac Efron's latest movie while trying to stay awake between shirtless scenes.

Audiences will assuredly be riveted by the non-predictable movie, which no one will be able to guess simply by watching the trailer.

U can haz diffrnt Nips!

Those crazy lovable Asians are at it again. Apparently brown nipples are totally last season, nowadays it's all about pink. While Americans are somewhat aware of anal bleaching [due to frequent Chipotle visits], nipple bleaching is pretty much unheard of. However it's a different story over in asian territories where darker nipples are more common practice. The problem is Asian men don't seem to like darker nipples, they prefer pink which signifies purity, virginity and makes the girls seem more fresh and more clean clean. Popular brands include a skin lightening cream called "Virgin Pink" or the less expensive "Virgin Peach" which includes a pink henna dye that eventually becomes permanent with consistent use.


While most Americans spend exorbitant amounts of time and money trying to darken their skin [especially those in New Jersey] the Asian population [and Michael Jackson] are focused on the opposite. It's only a matter a time before feet binding comes back in style.

More info [Here]

O Hai Fructose Corn Syrup!

The Original ad:

The better version:

Christmas just got awfuler: Yogi Bear Movie

In an effort to make Christmas more miserable for adults, Warner Bros. is now forcing parents to sit through what will assuredly be an awful and unnecessary CGI remake of a no longer relevant cartoon in 3D.


According to fake sources, the movie will most likely feature dancing animals, presumably wearing sunglasses. While dancing they will try to act sexy while swinging their hips to a recent song just overplayed enough to make you hate it even more. Still unclear is to why Warner Bros. has decided to release a movie, that does not star Tom Hardy. However audiences can be grateful that the movie shows no signs of Brendan Fraser.

Old man's seizures mistaken for DJ'ing

An elderly gentleman whom no doubt mistakenly wandered into a quinceañera party ended up having a seizure behind the DJ booth. The footage was recorded and posted on the internet for permanent ridicule.

Chewbacca hunts Nazis with Crossbow while riding a Squirrel, Srsly.

Epic awesomeness that's sure to give you a blowgasm. I feel like this warrants its own religion. Someone go build a church right now out of tampons & Skittles so we can begin worship.

Tom Hardy gets hardy for men, get it?!

Inception's heartthrob Tom Hardy just got hotter. Srsly.


The gorgeous actor admitted that he's been with men before:

"As a boy? Of course I have. I'm an actor for ****'s sake. 'I've played with everything and everyone. I love the form and the physicality, but now that I'm in my thirties, it doesn't do it for me. I'm done experimenting but there's plenty of stuff in a relationship with another man, especially gay men, that I need in my life. A lot of gay men get my thing for shoes. I have definite feminine qualities and a lot of gay men are incredibly masculine."


"A lot of people say I seem masculine, but I don't feel it. I feel intrinsically feminine. I'd love to be one of the boys but I always felt a bit on the outside. Maybe my masculine qualities come from overcompensating because I'm not one of the boys."

He's currently engaged to stupid bitch Charlotte Riley.

Check out the whole story here: [DailyMail]

Carls Jr. introduces footlong heartattack

=

As if Carl's Jr. also known as Hardee's, didn't spend enough time trying to kill you with their 1,000+ Calorie burgers, they've introduces a footlong cheeseburger which can clog your arteries for a mere $4.00. Looks like the KFC Double Down has some competish!

Vibration Powered Battery, let the jokes begin

Scientist have taken a break from destroying your childhood to do something to better man. And that something is inventing a vibration powered battery.


So basically this means your vibrator will now be able to power itself. Imagine it, a Neverending Dildo. OooOOoOOoOoooo!

Incepción Trailer

Want to see what it'd look like if Chris Nolan's masterpiece were made by Dora the Explorer? [*waits for reaction*]
Yayy! You can haz:

5 Childhood Toys You Can Make For Free

Little do we realize that our entire existence as children is basically just a clever ploy invented by the toy companies to get adults to spend their disposable income and buy into consumerism. It's just like the card companies inventing Mother's Day or Candy Companies with Halloween. To outsmart them, I propose we stop buying toys and start making our own replacements! Here's a list of 5 toys you could have made for free:

1) Ribbon Dancer: This toy was a long plastic stick with a ribbon attached to it whose jingle went: "Ribbon Dancer, writing on the walls, Ribbon Dancer, goes up and then it falls! Ribbon Dancer, GOTTA GET ONE!"

You got that? A stick with a ribbon. Now instead of spending ten doll-hairs on this miraculous invention I propose the DIY method and make one at home, here's how:

Step One: Go outside. Get stick.
Step Two: Take obnoxiously long grocery store receipt and tape it to said stick.
Step Three: Twirl like an idiot. Voila! Free ribbon dancer!

2) Hungry Hungry Hippos:
Step One: Replace Hippos with your cat.
Step Two: Replace white marbles with pills.
Step Three: Combine.

You ever try getting your cat to take its pills? It's friggin hard. You have to wear an oven mitt or one of those eagle handling gloves just to protect your forearms during its escape attempts. And just when you think you got the sucker down there jammed back into its throat. The cat hobbles off for 3 feet, looks at you, and then hacks up the partially dissolved slimy remains of the pill you spent the last twenty minutes trying to get down. Think you're smart by hiding it in their wet food or friskies treats? Think again, they always know and will eat every morsel aside from the part the pill touched.

The lesson here is CAT + PILLS = DO NOT WANT

3) Easy Bake Oven
Replacement: Actual Oven


I think this one's fairly simple. Why train little girls to make miniature sized versions of food, when they can just make real food? Why not take this already sexist toy and call it a spade, this is a mini kitchen. Next Hasbro should just start marketing "Easy Clean Bathroom" a miniature version of a bathroom for little girls to scrub.

4) Nickelodeon Gak
Now I'll readily admit I loved this crap. But there's no denying that we were paying for a tub of gross goop that makes farting noises.

Replacement:
Step One: Take tub of mayonnaise or yogurt and place in direct sunlight.
Step Two: Pet a cat while you wait.
Step Three: Collect gunk from the shower drain and add to mixture.
Step Four: Add food coloring! [Sneezing into mixture also suggested]

5) Operation
I never understood the real way to play this game, I think there were cards and money or some sort of directions to follow. The only important and fun part was trying not to set off the buzzer by touching the metal sides with the tweezers. Luckily there's an easy at home solution that works just as good.

Replacement: Try to get the english muffin out of the toaster with a fork.

It works just the same except this time the stakes are higher. Same rules, you can't touch the sides except instead of a small white plastic piece for a toddler to choke on, your reward is a delicious English muffin!

Summertime

It's offish summer. But how do you know?

When you get the urge. Not to herbal, but to drink out of your hose. I don't know what it is but something about it is just cool and refreshing, and can never be replicated by purified drinking water. That's why I've decided to start offering my own brand of "Hose Springs Water"


There's nothing like that metallic taste to cool you off after a day of running through the sprinklers with your dog.

Scientists Ruin Childhood

First they ruin Pluto for everyone. But why stop there? As if ruining outer space wasn't enough, scientists have turned their sights on the last sacred childhood sanctity: Dinosaurs.
Their latest discovery has uncovered the realization that Triceratops is not a real dinosaur.
Now before you start burning copies of Jurassic Park, or Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D, take a second and consider burning Brendan Fraser instead.

What we all thought to be a Triceratops is actually a juvenile version of a much gayer dinosaur: Torosaurus.
According to Discovery News, "It was characterized as having a huge frill, bigger than that of Triceratops, with two large holes in it. But Montana State University paleontologists John Scannella and Jack Horner now say the excavated Torosaurus remains were just Triceratops at different growth stages." Jurassic Park taught us they can spontaneously change sex but they didn't say anything about species. What's next, Dinosaurs wanting gay marriage rights?

So with Santa not being real, along with the Easter Bunny, it's only matter of time before Scientists prove that Jesus was actually a juvenile version of Optimus Prime.

Read the Full Story on Discovery.

WANT: Super Nintendo Bed

The iCon bed from Hollandia International may seem like your normal average run-of-the-mill bed. But that's until you actually look at the thing and realize it looks just like a friggin SNES. It's supposed to be marketed as an adjustable bed with two iPad docking stations when in reality they should just say "Sleep in your SNES!" Lord knows trying to sleep with it is just plain paniful.

Finally! Kate Winslet's boobs in 3D!

Well it's about damn time! For years filmmakers have been looking for a reason to convert Kate Winslet's boobs into 3D, and now they finally have their chance.

In a shocking revelation James Cameron has publicly made clear that he is starving and desperately needs money to eat food. Having already made billions with Avatar and Titanic, the only plausible reason to re-release Titanic in 3D is that James Cameron has run out of money and is starving. So please donate to the "Feed the James Cameron Foundation", donations are not tax deductible [in fact you will be taxed on them], and can be made out directly to James Cameron or by purchasing and overpriced movie ticket.

Since this movie was not filmed in 3D, effects artist will be forced to spend hours upon hours going over each frame of Kate Winslet's boobs to convert them. Getting the right nipple-protrusion could take weeks on its own, not to mention the correct proportion of cleavage depth on her pair of icebergs. Rest assured they are fully committed to making sure her breasts will be shown in eye-popping 3D.

If that's not enough reason to convince you to go, just think about these other reasons why this movie will be so much better having been converted. Just imagine the depth of field when she lets Jack go at the end. You'll feel like he's actually sinking away from you, even though there was totally room for two on that headboard and he could have lived if she'd just moved over and shared. And how can we forget the guy who hits the propeller when he falls off the boat, eh?! We all loved propeller man, imagine that in 3D! You'll get even angrier in the end when you see the old bitch drop her priceless diamond over the railing. Watch as it falls through three dimensions to the water where it can never be sold and its money put to good use, like charities or curing diseases.

The movie should be re-released sometime in 2012 and may even herald the start of the Mayan apocalypse.

Human Hamster Balls

Finally, a safe and humane way to abandon your children.

For decades, scientists have been working on a means for parents to put their children in giant plastic hamster balls. Not only have they done it, they've gone one step further and blasphemed jesus by giving us the ability to walk on water. These things will do for the future of watertravel what segways did for sidewalk travel. Which is make you look like a complete douchebag while riding one.


For only$499 you can provide your spoiled children with endless fun and endless opportunities to injure themselves. Tired of children? Just leave them in there for longer than 20 minutes and it's the lake's problem now. Should you decide to keep said children in the off chance they grow up to become president like that phone commercial promises, then might I suggest buying Zipper Lubricant.

The zipper lubricant though advertised as being "small and cheap" is very much not included in the purchasing price. Instead it is available for an additional $8.99, and is sure to keep your zipper lubed and satisfied. No doubt it's only a matter of time until they release a Ribbed version of the water walking ball, for her pleasure.

To buy this toy your kids will use twice and then forget about, visit:
www.uswaterball.com

Queef, it's what's for dinner.

Here lies a reason the internet exists. So that Aussie girls in their PJ's can teach us the ancient art of queefing. Once thought to be a myth [or just someone stepping on a duck], Stace Hole demonstrates techniques on how to ensure no man will ever sleep with you.

Vidivodo.com : stace hole teaches the fanny fart technique Etiket:

Tight pants and kittehs

Internet cewebrity Leslie Hall is high kickin it with some gold spandex tight pants. This could almost pass for a music video for Troll 2. It's hard to tell if this is for serious, but the tone deaf diva has a colleckshun of over 400 gem sweaters! SRSLY!!1! That's commitment! [Something my ex would know nothing about *CRAIG*]

Playing this music video loudly at your office on a Monday is guaranteed to make you well liked! There's nothing people enjoy more than forcibly having a song stuck in their head.

Unbeweavable!

Hair is not just for styling anymore, it can also be used as a lifesaving device unlike most pool floats. I now suspect the police will start replacing their Kevlar vests with ones made of "Caribbean Mahogany" weaves. They can even braid little holsters into them for their guns, or maybe even a cupholder!

No doubt this woman got her hurr did at this place:

Old Spice Commercial gets Emmy Nom Nom Nom

You've prolly seen it, but this commercial which was all done in one take has just been Nom-inated for an Emmy.

Also nommed was Betty White's Snickers Commercial:

If only this gem had made the cut:

Chain Letter Trailer prominently features Chains

The movie Chain Letter finally arrives 10 years too late. In a bold, relevant move someone made a movie about chain letters, which thanks to modern standards like Gmail are completely irrelevant. You might remember them as something obnoxious back in the day when you got daily AOL discs in the mail.


According to the trailer the movie has something to do with generic teenagers whose names you will never remember receiving scary messages on phones that aren't iPhones. The trailer has an abundant amount of chains as well as people saying the word "chain" just in case you forget halfway through which movie you're watching a preview for.

Should the movie do well, rest assured the film maker will move on to the next project of a Chat Roulette movie to come out in 2020 when its been long forgotten, followed by a FarmVille movie.

Cleveland Tourism Video is Super Effective!

What could be better?! I'm ready to hop on the next greyhound out!

I can haz Kylie Minogue!?

You can haz.

Thank you Kylie. Thank you for making what is not only one of my new favorite [or favourite in the UK)] albums but also an incredible CD to get everyone in the Summer spirits. All hail the goddess of Pop.

Not since Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill, has an album come out where nearly all the songs are perfect singles. Albeit this CD is much more "Let's put on eyeliner and go clubbing" rather than "Let's poke out eyes and go clubbing...baby seals." The whole CD is so good you won't even want to pirate it!

Check out the video below for a Megamix of a couple songs on Aphrodite.

[Click Here] for the official video of her first single "All The Lovers"

It's basically showing what would happen if everyone on ChatRoulette gathered in Downtown LA.

Plz see Sia

Aussie artist Sia has released a new album "We Are Born." Her first single "Clap Your Hands" now has a very trippy and interesting video that looks like it was directed by Lisa Frank.

For those of you unfamiliar with her I highly suggest these tracks as well:

Or if you're feeling a bit more in the mood to pop some Xanax and eat ice cream may I recommend:

Harry Poster

What started as a kid's movie has now slowly morphed into an NC-17 rated horror flick. And I like it. Is anyone else as turned on by this poster as me?

[Click here for hi-res]

The bottom of the poster assures us that the movie will be released in 3D, and also shown in 2D Theaters [Otherwise known as "Theaters"]

For a look back to the past to see just how far we've come [since AOL Keywords], check out this side by side comparison:

Staw Rars! Adidas Commercial

The new Adidas Originals commercial smartly makes no references to the newer Star Wars trilogy. The redone Cantina scene features celebrities such as Daft Punk, Snoop Dog, a Steve Jobs look-a-like, and David Beckham who proves it's impossible for him to look unattractive. Rest assured the creepy smiling devil is still featured.

Jersey Sure! Too.

The 2nd season of the show that everyone will fervently deny watching yet secretly watch has released a trailer. This next season of Jersey Shore was shot in Miami and will begin destroying television and eroding your brain on July 29th. The show's main selling point is making people feel better about themselves for "not being them."

MTV Shows

O Hai Children's Hospital!

What started as a hilarious Web-series on TheWB.com, "Children's Hospital" is now coming to Adult Swim starting July 11th.
The show is an irreverent parody of whiny shows like "Grey's Anatomy" and any other hospital drama you can think of where people are more focused on getting laid than doing their job.

For more video and a look at the first new episode head over to Adult Swim.

4th of July British style!

4th of July is just around the corner, yet we still sit here patiently waiting for ID4-2: National Monuments Fight Back. Until then, what better way to celebrate Independence Day than with an amazing British artist decked out in American flags singing about Hollywood?!

You can haz: Marina & The Diamonds. Keep an eye out for this one cause she's got some tal-ent and can also do jazz hands.

Dis iz moar liek it

In order to sell more fishsticks Mrs. Paul's took the genius approach of filming a drunk 6 year old. This makes me question why more food doesn't come in stick and/or pocket form.

OMFG! Adorable remake of At-At Dog

As if the original video wasn't cute enough. Someone went ahead and made an At-At costume for their dog and recreated the video.

Shidiot

Srsly?
Local man shoots and kills his wife while installing TV, earns the title: Shidiot. Also local town needs better roads and more foliage.

You sir, are what I like to call, a Shidiot. He is the reason why the terrorists are winning! Maybe he should just stick to cable. Now every serial killer in America will try and use the excuse, I was just trying to install my satellite TV!

What's next? "I didn't mean to rape her, I was just trying to hookup my wireless internet!"