5 Childhood Toys You Can Make For Free

Little do we realize that our entire existence as children is basically just a clever ploy invented by the toy companies to get adults to spend their disposable income and buy into consumerism. It's just like the card companies inventing Mother's Day or Candy Companies with Halloween. To outsmart them, I propose we stop buying toys and start making our own replacements! Here's a list of 5 toys you could have made for free:

1) Ribbon Dancer: This toy was a long plastic stick with a ribbon attached to it whose jingle went: "Ribbon Dancer, writing on the walls, Ribbon Dancer, goes up and then it falls! Ribbon Dancer, GOTTA GET ONE!"

You got that? A stick with a ribbon. Now instead of spending ten doll-hairs on this miraculous invention I propose the DIY method and make one at home, here's how:

Step One: Go outside. Get stick.
Step Two: Take obnoxiously long grocery store receipt and tape it to said stick.
Step Three: Twirl like an idiot. Voila! Free ribbon dancer!

2) Hungry Hungry Hippos:
Step One: Replace Hippos with your cat.
Step Two: Replace white marbles with pills.
Step Three: Combine.

You ever try getting your cat to take its pills? It's friggin hard. You have to wear an oven mitt or one of those eagle handling gloves just to protect your forearms during its escape attempts. And just when you think you got the sucker down there jammed back into its throat. The cat hobbles off for 3 feet, looks at you, and then hacks up the partially dissolved slimy remains of the pill you spent the last twenty minutes trying to get down. Think you're smart by hiding it in their wet food or friskies treats? Think again, they always know and will eat every morsel aside from the part the pill touched.

The lesson here is CAT + PILLS = DO NOT WANT

3) Easy Bake Oven
Replacement: Actual Oven


I think this one's fairly simple. Why train little girls to make miniature sized versions of food, when they can just make real food? Why not take this already sexist toy and call it a spade, this is a mini kitchen. Next Hasbro should just start marketing "Easy Clean Bathroom" a miniature version of a bathroom for little girls to scrub.

4) Nickelodeon Gak
Now I'll readily admit I loved this crap. But there's no denying that we were paying for a tub of gross goop that makes farting noises.

Replacement:
Step One: Take tub of mayonnaise or yogurt and place in direct sunlight.
Step Two: Pet a cat while you wait.
Step Three: Collect gunk from the shower drain and add to mixture.
Step Four: Add food coloring! [Sneezing into mixture also suggested]

5) Operation
I never understood the real way to play this game, I think there were cards and money or some sort of directions to follow. The only important and fun part was trying not to set off the buzzer by touching the metal sides with the tweezers. Luckily there's an easy at home solution that works just as good.

Replacement: Try to get the english muffin out of the toaster with a fork.

It works just the same except this time the stakes are higher. Same rules, you can't touch the sides except instead of a small white plastic piece for a toddler to choke on, your reward is a delicious English muffin!

Human Hamster Balls

Finally, a safe and humane way to abandon your children.

For decades, scientists have been working on a means for parents to put their children in giant plastic hamster balls. Not only have they done it, they've gone one step further and blasphemed jesus by giving us the ability to walk on water. These things will do for the future of watertravel what segways did for sidewalk travel. Which is make you look like a complete douchebag while riding one.


For only$499 you can provide your spoiled children with endless fun and endless opportunities to injure themselves. Tired of children? Just leave them in there for longer than 20 minutes and it's the lake's problem now. Should you decide to keep said children in the off chance they grow up to become president like that phone commercial promises, then might I suggest buying Zipper Lubricant.

The zipper lubricant though advertised as being "small and cheap" is very much not included in the purchasing price. Instead it is available for an additional $8.99, and is sure to keep your zipper lubed and satisfied. No doubt it's only a matter of time until they release a Ribbed version of the water walking ball, for her pleasure.

To buy this toy your kids will use twice and then forget about, visit:
www.uswaterball.com

I can haz Power Wheels?

Let's be honest, the degree of how much you loved your parents was directly related to the Christmas gifts they gave you. [See chart below]

Those of you lucky enough to get a Power Wheels surely loved your parents more, and also made every child on your block insanely jealous, & therefore hate their own parents.

If you had a set of wheels all you had to do was strap in that giant expensive battery, hit the open sidewalk, and flip your god damn hair. The world was yours as long as you didn't stay out too late shopping with your stuffed animals, or talking on your car phone. [What's a car phone?]

Here's a commercial back when technology was at it's peak and Barbie could say FOUR fun things!!

Disapproving Mom disapproves.

TROLLS movie will undoubtedly be awful

As if a Smurfs movie wasn't bad enough, Hollywood is finding new ways to ruin your childhood with things that are no longer relevant.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Dreamworks Animation is all set to take something you loved growing up, & mangle it into something your dog hocked up, then ate again. For those of you who already can't wait to "Get Smurf'd," you now have something else on the horizon to look forward to. I give you the Good Luck Trolls.

I know what you're thinking, didn't they already make a movie about trolls? And didn't the sequel have nothing to do with trolls? Well rest assured this isn't Troll 2.

This will be much worse. Not only are they naked and violently colorful, i'm sure they'll unnecessarily hop aboard the 3D-train. They've already ruined Alvin & The Chipmunks, Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Garfield, but why stop there?! Here's a list of other childhood toys & memories Hollywood should ruin by turning into crappy non-Pixar movies:

Jump Rope,
Beanie Babies,
Cat's Cradle,
Pogs,
Tamagotchi,
Skip-it,
Hula Hoops,
Super Soaker,
Nerf Guns,
Slip'n'Slide,
Nap Time,
Lincoln Logs,
Lisa Frank Stationary,
Tinker Toys,
Big Wheels,
Diapers,
Crayola Crayons,
Power Wheels,
Every Breakfast Cereal.

All of these aforementioned things are horribly unsuited to be made into feature films, so they assuredly will be. But don't worry, the studios will attempt to make them "hip" and "cool" by inserting Brendan Fraser along with CG talking animals that wear sunglasses! Rest assured if any of them are a Christmas movie they will undoubtedly feature Tim Allen.

Now how do we get them to turn this into a full length?

WANT: Tron Legacy Lightcycle Toys

Tron Legacy is shaping up to be not only a big hit but also a cash-cow for merchandising. Disney's new wall-climbing lightcycles toys are guaranteed to scare dogs worldwide.

Using a new technology called "Magic" these remote controlled lightcycles are capable of not only freaking out your dog with its vacuum noise, but pissing off your mother by riding around on the walls she just cleaned. They also create a 6 foot long light trail perfect for Ecstacy lovers in need of a light show on their ceiling. I fully expect upon their release YouTube videos of kittens riding atop such cycles and/or chasing the light trail trying to figure out why the hell they can't catch it. Srsly.


The video also shows very confused Garrett Hedlund trying to figure out how he got stuck in an action figure. The toys should be released in October with the movie due out this Decemeber.