5 Childhood Toys You Can Make For Free

Little do we realize that our entire existence as children is basically just a clever ploy invented by the toy companies to get adults to spend their disposable income and buy into consumerism. It's just like the card companies inventing Mother's Day or Candy Companies with Halloween. To outsmart them, I propose we stop buying toys and start making our own replacements! Here's a list of 5 toys you could have made for free:

1) Ribbon Dancer: This toy was a long plastic stick with a ribbon attached to it whose jingle went: "Ribbon Dancer, writing on the walls, Ribbon Dancer, goes up and then it falls! Ribbon Dancer, GOTTA GET ONE!"

You got that? A stick with a ribbon. Now instead of spending ten doll-hairs on this miraculous invention I propose the DIY method and make one at home, here's how:

Step One: Go outside. Get stick.
Step Two: Take obnoxiously long grocery store receipt and tape it to said stick.
Step Three: Twirl like an idiot. Voila! Free ribbon dancer!

2) Hungry Hungry Hippos:
Step One: Replace Hippos with your cat.
Step Two: Replace white marbles with pills.
Step Three: Combine.

You ever try getting your cat to take its pills? It's friggin hard. You have to wear an oven mitt or one of those eagle handling gloves just to protect your forearms during its escape attempts. And just when you think you got the sucker down there jammed back into its throat. The cat hobbles off for 3 feet, looks at you, and then hacks up the partially dissolved slimy remains of the pill you spent the last twenty minutes trying to get down. Think you're smart by hiding it in their wet food or friskies treats? Think again, they always know and will eat every morsel aside from the part the pill touched.

The lesson here is CAT + PILLS = DO NOT WANT

3) Easy Bake Oven
Replacement: Actual Oven


I think this one's fairly simple. Why train little girls to make miniature sized versions of food, when they can just make real food? Why not take this already sexist toy and call it a spade, this is a mini kitchen. Next Hasbro should just start marketing "Easy Clean Bathroom" a miniature version of a bathroom for little girls to scrub.

4) Nickelodeon Gak
Now I'll readily admit I loved this crap. But there's no denying that we were paying for a tub of gross goop that makes farting noises.

Replacement:
Step One: Take tub of mayonnaise or yogurt and place in direct sunlight.
Step Two: Pet a cat while you wait.
Step Three: Collect gunk from the shower drain and add to mixture.
Step Four: Add food coloring! [Sneezing into mixture also suggested]

5) Operation
I never understood the real way to play this game, I think there were cards and money or some sort of directions to follow. The only important and fun part was trying not to set off the buzzer by touching the metal sides with the tweezers. Luckily there's an easy at home solution that works just as good.

Replacement: Try to get the english muffin out of the toaster with a fork.

It works just the same except this time the stakes are higher. Same rules, you can't touch the sides except instead of a small white plastic piece for a toddler to choke on, your reward is a delicious English muffin!