5 Childhood Toys You Can Make For Free

Little do we realize that our entire existence as children is basically just a clever ploy invented by the toy companies to get adults to spend their disposable income and buy into consumerism. It's just like the card companies inventing Mother's Day or Candy Companies with Halloween. To outsmart them, I propose we stop buying toys and start making our own replacements! Here's a list of 5 toys you could have made for free:

1) Ribbon Dancer: This toy was a long plastic stick with a ribbon attached to it whose jingle went: "Ribbon Dancer, writing on the walls, Ribbon Dancer, goes up and then it falls! Ribbon Dancer, GOTTA GET ONE!"

You got that? A stick with a ribbon. Now instead of spending ten doll-hairs on this miraculous invention I propose the DIY method and make one at home, here's how:

Step One: Go outside. Get stick.
Step Two: Take obnoxiously long grocery store receipt and tape it to said stick.
Step Three: Twirl like an idiot. Voila! Free ribbon dancer!

2) Hungry Hungry Hippos:
Step One: Replace Hippos with your cat.
Step Two: Replace white marbles with pills.
Step Three: Combine.

You ever try getting your cat to take its pills? It's friggin hard. You have to wear an oven mitt or one of those eagle handling gloves just to protect your forearms during its escape attempts. And just when you think you got the sucker down there jammed back into its throat. The cat hobbles off for 3 feet, looks at you, and then hacks up the partially dissolved slimy remains of the pill you spent the last twenty minutes trying to get down. Think you're smart by hiding it in their wet food or friskies treats? Think again, they always know and will eat every morsel aside from the part the pill touched.

The lesson here is CAT + PILLS = DO NOT WANT

3) Easy Bake Oven
Replacement: Actual Oven


I think this one's fairly simple. Why train little girls to make miniature sized versions of food, when they can just make real food? Why not take this already sexist toy and call it a spade, this is a mini kitchen. Next Hasbro should just start marketing "Easy Clean Bathroom" a miniature version of a bathroom for little girls to scrub.

4) Nickelodeon Gak
Now I'll readily admit I loved this crap. But there's no denying that we were paying for a tub of gross goop that makes farting noises.

Replacement:
Step One: Take tub of mayonnaise or yogurt and place in direct sunlight.
Step Two: Pet a cat while you wait.
Step Three: Collect gunk from the shower drain and add to mixture.
Step Four: Add food coloring! [Sneezing into mixture also suggested]

5) Operation
I never understood the real way to play this game, I think there were cards and money or some sort of directions to follow. The only important and fun part was trying not to set off the buzzer by touching the metal sides with the tweezers. Luckily there's an easy at home solution that works just as good.

Replacement: Try to get the english muffin out of the toaster with a fork.

It works just the same except this time the stakes are higher. Same rules, you can't touch the sides except instead of a small white plastic piece for a toddler to choke on, your reward is a delicious English muffin!

Scientists Ruin Childhood

First they ruin Pluto for everyone. But why stop there? As if ruining outer space wasn't enough, scientists have turned their sights on the last sacred childhood sanctity: Dinosaurs.
Their latest discovery has uncovered the realization that Triceratops is not a real dinosaur.
Now before you start burning copies of Jurassic Park, or Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D, take a second and consider burning Brendan Fraser instead.

What we all thought to be a Triceratops is actually a juvenile version of a much gayer dinosaur: Torosaurus.
According to Discovery News, "It was characterized as having a huge frill, bigger than that of Triceratops, with two large holes in it. But Montana State University paleontologists John Scannella and Jack Horner now say the excavated Torosaurus remains were just Triceratops at different growth stages." Jurassic Park taught us they can spontaneously change sex but they didn't say anything about species. What's next, Dinosaurs wanting gay marriage rights?

So with Santa not being real, along with the Easter Bunny, it's only matter of time before Scientists prove that Jesus was actually a juvenile version of Optimus Prime.

Read the Full Story on Discovery.

TROLLS movie will undoubtedly be awful

As if a Smurfs movie wasn't bad enough, Hollywood is finding new ways to ruin your childhood with things that are no longer relevant.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Dreamworks Animation is all set to take something you loved growing up, & mangle it into something your dog hocked up, then ate again. For those of you who already can't wait to "Get Smurf'd," you now have something else on the horizon to look forward to. I give you the Good Luck Trolls.

I know what you're thinking, didn't they already make a movie about trolls? And didn't the sequel have nothing to do with trolls? Well rest assured this isn't Troll 2.

This will be much worse. Not only are they naked and violently colorful, i'm sure they'll unnecessarily hop aboard the 3D-train. They've already ruined Alvin & The Chipmunks, Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Garfield, but why stop there?! Here's a list of other childhood toys & memories Hollywood should ruin by turning into crappy non-Pixar movies:

Jump Rope,
Beanie Babies,
Cat's Cradle,
Pogs,
Tamagotchi,
Skip-it,
Hula Hoops,
Super Soaker,
Nerf Guns,
Slip'n'Slide,
Nap Time,
Lincoln Logs,
Lisa Frank Stationary,
Tinker Toys,
Big Wheels,
Diapers,
Crayola Crayons,
Power Wheels,
Every Breakfast Cereal.

All of these aforementioned things are horribly unsuited to be made into feature films, so they assuredly will be. But don't worry, the studios will attempt to make them "hip" and "cool" by inserting Brendan Fraser along with CG talking animals that wear sunglasses! Rest assured if any of them are a Christmas movie they will undoubtedly feature Tim Allen.

Now how do we get them to turn this into a full length?